Letter to My Future Children

Dear future children,

I want you to know that you are allowed to dress however you want, as long as you don’t look like a slut, hang your pants below your ass, or look like a hood rat, hooligan, or harlot. I love you no matter what you choose to wear or how you choose to live your life.

Son, if you want to wear a freaking princess dress, so be it. If you want to wear a skirt shorter than your ass, no fucking way, you will be forced to wear leggings underneath or wear a skirt that is longer than your ass crack and covers your underwear. If you want to wear a bikini, fine, but you will wear shorts on the bottom and you will be tying that strap in a knot, because my kids will be modest. Your shirt will cover your midriff and there will be no plunging necklines unless you are wearing a tank top underneath. These are the same rules I will put into place for your sister if she chooses to be feminine. You can wear lace, you can wear heels but try not to fall over, you can wear a dress that swings in the breeze but please wear shorts, you can wear sandals but trim your snarly toenails, you can wear anything you want, so long as you are modest and respectable. 

Daughter, if you choose to go gallivanting around in guy pants and boxers with funky t-shirts, so be it. If you want to wear a suit or tux to your prom instead of a dress, great. Don’t let me help you color coordinate though sweetie, we both know I’m colorblind. And if you want help tying your tie or buttoning your jacket, I’m here. But under no circumstances will you walk around with your pants below your ass or a hat titled to the side. You won’t be throwing around gang signs or the finger like it’s candy in a parade. You ain’t a gangsta, you’re a freaking middle class white girl (or maybe not) but you’re middle class. You ain’t from the hood and your pants will cover your ass. You will be respectable and modest. Same goes for your brother if he chooses to be masculine. You can wear boxers but don’t let them be seen, you can wear pants that actually have pockets but wear a belt too, you can wear loose t-shirts but not so loose they fall off, you can wear baseball caps as long as they’re tasteful, you can wear whatever you want, as long as it’s modest and respectable.

Son, if you want to have long hair that goes down to your butt, that’s fine. But you will tie it up in a ponytail when you go to job interviews. We’re trying to look professional here. And your hair will not cover your eyes, especially when you’re talking to me. We’re going for pretty, not blind. Same for you, Miss Feminine over there. 

Daughter, if you want to have short hair like a boy, that’s great. You can spike it up or have a close shave, whichever. But when we go for job interviews or other special occasions it will look professional, or I will shave it all off. Same for you, Mister Masculine. 

Son, if you want to wear makeup, let me help you learn how to put it on. We’re going for natural enhancement, not harlot or prostitute. Don’t ask your feminine sister, she doesn’t have any idea either, and I will have to teach her next. If you wanna pluck your eyebrows and shave your legs or facial hair or pits, I’ll help you out. Though I have no idea how to shave facial hair and I detest plucking eyebrows. Maybe we should just take you to a salon and they can wax those bushy eyebrows for you. 

Daughter, if you don’t want to wear makeup at all, great. But please wash your face and do something about those chapped lips. You too, brother.

Daughter, if you want to have sex with girls that’s great. Have fun but be careful. Even girls can get STDs from each other. Just because you can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt in other ways. Also, trim your freaking nails. You’re going to cut her up with those talons. If you want to have sex with boys, we’ll get you birth control. We’ll find the best type for you, whether it’s the pill or an IUD or shot. No getting pregnant before you’re ready. Between you and your brother I’ve got my hands full. If you choose to be sexually active, whether with guys or girls, you will see a gynecologist and you will be tested regularly for STDs and other stuff. I’ll buy you condoms until you move out, just like your brother. Please use them. Even if you’re on birth control you aren’t protected from STDs love.

Son, if you want to have sex with guys, cool. Have fun but be careful. I’ll buy you condoms until you move out. Please use them. You can get STDs from guys AND girls, so use condoms either way. I don’t know if there’s a guy doctor like there’s a lady doctor, but just like your sister, if you choose to be sexually active, you will get tested regularly. Also, if you choose to sleep with girls, learn how to use your fingers and tongue. Also, clip your nails. You’re going to take an eye out. I don’t know how it works with guys, so don’t ask me. 

Daughter and son, above all know that I love you very much. You are the world to me and I will accept you for whoever you are. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t talk to your mom about what you need to, and i don’t want you to feel like that with me.

Remember to be lovely and pretty, strong and handsome. But above all, remember that I love you.