Reunited

Hello! I've decided to create a blog. This blog's purpose is to keep people updated on my life and for me to be able to remember what's been going on. Because of my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome I sometimes get "brain fog" and can't remember events and things as well as others. There's been a lot going on so far this year! So let's start at the beginning, or this summer! Let me start by saying that the beginning of this story is not happy, but it does get better!

It's been a tough year so far. I came out to my family this summer, and the reaction was not what I hoped for. In the following months I grew away from God. One of my best friends stopped talking to me, which made me even more upset at God and confused. I fell into a depression. For those of you who do not know, I've struggled with depression for several years. This summer I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, and stopped seeing my counselor, because of different issues, mainly monetary. I started self-harming more than ever this year, and ended up becoming addicted. I contemplated suicide several times this summer, I even went out and bought several bottles of sleeping pills. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I didn't want to create a mess for my family. I grew more and more depressed as time went on, even though I loved staying with my aunt and uncle and my two little cousins. I should have been happy; I had freedom and family that loved me, but I wasn't happy.

Jump to the school year. It started off fine. I was a little happier and I was rooming with a best friend of mine. She was great, and we hung out a lot. I laughed and smiled a lot, and pretended I was happy. I don't know if she believed the lie, but I know that a lot of my other friends did. Thinking back on it now, I was happier than I was during the summer, and I'd finally accepted who I was and was happy with who I was, but I felt empty. I continued to self harm, and it seemed like she didn't notice, so I thought I was safe, I thought I could keep doing it and it would go unnoticed. I was wrong. Lexi noticed and we talked about it. She told me that it hurt her that I hurt myself. I stopped cutting for about three weeks, and continued to pretend I was happy. Finally, one day I just snapped and I became so depressed I couldn't function. I was angry at God, I was angry at the friend that had abandoned me, I was angry at the world.


The next day I went to meet with a good friend of mine that I had kind of lost touch with over the summer. We talked about a lot of things, but unfortunately I can't really recall details. As I was sitting with this friend, the friend that had stopped talking to me walked up. I braced myself, expecting her to at best ignore me and talk to the friend I was sitting with, and at worst to yell at me for something, even though it was she that abandoned me. Instead she surprised me greatly and told me she missed me. She said she was at a better place in her life and she'd like to try again. I agreed that we should meet for coffee soon.

That night we met for coffee. We sat in the University Center Commons for a few hours just talking. For the first time in months I felt...happy. I was glad to have my friend back, and as we talked, I noticed a change in her. This was not the same Alyssa from last year. She was different, changed. She seemed happy and joyful and at peace from the world, a complete difference from where she was when we'd last seen each other. There was a light in her eyes and a smile on her face the whole time we were talking. It was infectious. I was so glad she was back and that she wanted to be friends again. I realized while I may have accepted who I am and I might be in a better place than last semester, I still hadn't come very far. When she talked about God and scripture and her youth ministry, I realized why. I'd moved away from God. It wasn't that I'd just been too busy, it's that I had literally walked away from him. I never opened my Bible and I never prayed unless it was to ask for something. I even found myself stopping myself when I tried to pray, telling myself that He wasn't there, and if He was He didn't care.

Talking to Alyssa brought a peace to me that I hadn't felt in a long time. She radiated happiness and peace, and it infected me. I found myself smiling and she commented that she could see it in my eyes, when last year my eyes always looked flat.

That night I went home and prayed. Alyssa and I talked about meeting for Bible study on Tuesday and I was excited. I prayed and read my Bible and was filled with peace. I talked to God for a couple hours, and though I didn't do any of my homework in that time, I felt like I was productive. I felt...alive. I felt more alive than I had in months and I felt energized and rejuvenated, even though I hadn't slept well in three days. Monday came and I texted Alyssa, telling her that I hope her day was going well. That night, after class, she texted me and invited me over. I didn't know what to expect, but that didn't matter as much as it normally would. I took my Bible and my homework like she requested, and when I got there, it was like we picked up right where we left off, except that we were both new people. We were both happy and at peace and back in the arms of God.

Tonight I went to Alyssa's again, so that makes two nights in a row that I've spent time with her at her apartment. We've read the Bible together both times, and talked a lot about bringing God back into the center of our lives and the center of our friendship. We both know that our friendship was not healthy last year, but now it is and will continue to be. Tonight I was so at peace and I felt more loved and happy than I have in a long time.

I've been reunited with my best friends and I couldn't feel any better than I do now.

God is good and so forgiving and works in wonderful ways!