Letter to My Future Children

Dear future children,

I want you to know that you are allowed to dress however you want, as long as you don’t look like a slut, hang your pants below your ass, or look like a hood rat, hooligan, or harlot. I love you no matter what you choose to wear or how you choose to live your life.

Son, if you want to wear a freaking princess dress, so be it. If you want to wear a skirt shorter than your ass, no fucking way, you will be forced to wear leggings underneath or wear a skirt that is longer than your ass crack and covers your underwear. If you want to wear a bikini, fine, but you will wear shorts on the bottom and you will be tying that strap in a knot, because my kids will be modest. Your shirt will cover your midriff and there will be no plunging necklines unless you are wearing a tank top underneath. These are the same rules I will put into place for your sister if she chooses to be feminine. You can wear lace, you can wear heels but try not to fall over, you can wear a dress that swings in the breeze but please wear shorts, you can wear sandals but trim your snarly toenails, you can wear anything you want, so long as you are modest and respectable. 

Daughter, if you choose to go gallivanting around in guy pants and boxers with funky t-shirts, so be it. If you want to wear a suit or tux to your prom instead of a dress, great. Don’t let me help you color coordinate though sweetie, we both know I’m colorblind. And if you want help tying your tie or buttoning your jacket, I’m here. But under no circumstances will you walk around with your pants below your ass or a hat titled to the side. You won’t be throwing around gang signs or the finger like it’s candy in a parade. You ain’t a gangsta, you’re a freaking middle class white girl (or maybe not) but you’re middle class. You ain’t from the hood and your pants will cover your ass. You will be respectable and modest. Same goes for your brother if he chooses to be masculine. You can wear boxers but don’t let them be seen, you can wear pants that actually have pockets but wear a belt too, you can wear loose t-shirts but not so loose they fall off, you can wear baseball caps as long as they’re tasteful, you can wear whatever you want, as long as it’s modest and respectable.

Son, if you want to have long hair that goes down to your butt, that’s fine. But you will tie it up in a ponytail when you go to job interviews. We’re trying to look professional here. And your hair will not cover your eyes, especially when you’re talking to me. We’re going for pretty, not blind. Same for you, Miss Feminine over there. 

Daughter, if you want to have short hair like a boy, that’s great. You can spike it up or have a close shave, whichever. But when we go for job interviews or other special occasions it will look professional, or I will shave it all off. Same for you, Mister Masculine. 

Son, if you want to wear makeup, let me help you learn how to put it on. We’re going for natural enhancement, not harlot or prostitute. Don’t ask your feminine sister, she doesn’t have any idea either, and I will have to teach her next. If you wanna pluck your eyebrows and shave your legs or facial hair or pits, I’ll help you out. Though I have no idea how to shave facial hair and I detest plucking eyebrows. Maybe we should just take you to a salon and they can wax those bushy eyebrows for you. 

Daughter, if you don’t want to wear makeup at all, great. But please wash your face and do something about those chapped lips. You too, brother.

Daughter, if you want to have sex with girls that’s great. Have fun but be careful. Even girls can get STDs from each other. Just because you can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt in other ways. Also, trim your freaking nails. You’re going to cut her up with those talons. If you want to have sex with boys, we’ll get you birth control. We’ll find the best type for you, whether it’s the pill or an IUD or shot. No getting pregnant before you’re ready. Between you and your brother I’ve got my hands full. If you choose to be sexually active, whether with guys or girls, you will see a gynecologist and you will be tested regularly for STDs and other stuff. I’ll buy you condoms until you move out, just like your brother. Please use them. Even if you’re on birth control you aren’t protected from STDs love.

Son, if you want to have sex with guys, cool. Have fun but be careful. I’ll buy you condoms until you move out. Please use them. You can get STDs from guys AND girls, so use condoms either way. I don’t know if there’s a guy doctor like there’s a lady doctor, but just like your sister, if you choose to be sexually active, you will get tested regularly. Also, if you choose to sleep with girls, learn how to use your fingers and tongue. Also, clip your nails. You’re going to take an eye out. I don’t know how it works with guys, so don’t ask me. 

Daughter and son, above all know that I love you very much. You are the world to me and I will accept you for whoever you are. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t talk to your mom about what you need to, and i don’t want you to feel like that with me.

Remember to be lovely and pretty, strong and handsome. But above all, remember that I love you. 

Puzzle Piece

I am a puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere. 

I am the piece that thinks it doesn't belong but in reality it just goes to a different puzzle. 

I am the missing puzzle piece that thinks it'll never be part of a whole scene. 

I'm the funny shaped piece that goes right in the middle but is a little bent and a little cracked so it doesn't fit right and looks funny, but without me the scene is incomplete. 

I am the puzzle piece that falls through the cracks and gets left behind. 

I am the puzzle piece that gets shoved in a space it does not fit based on a mix of confusion, assumption, and necessity. 

I am the puzzle piece that is warped and torn but used anyway because it is needed. 

I am the puzzle piece that fits everywhere, yet feels like it fits nowhere. 

We were all made for a purpose. Because of that, each of us is like a puzzle piece. We each make up part of a bigger scene, or plan. God made us all unique, and we are meant to fit in a certain place. Sometimes we can fit in multiple places. We are never without a place to belong though, even if at the time it feels like it. 

Assumptions

I saw her when I walked in. I hoped she hadn't seen me, but as I passed her, our eyes met, and I knew she'd recognized me. I pretended not to see her and continued past. I sat down across from a friend and continued talking. Each time I looked up and saw her, there was a pain in my heart. I couldn't deny it any longer. No matter how much I pretended like I didn't miss her, I knew that I did. She stood up from the table at which she was having a conversation with another girl. I thought that I was safe, and that she'd just leave without any confrontation. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but still the thought of "she's going to yell at me" invaded my mind. Instead of walking with her friend, she turned around. I continued pretending to ignore her,  when in reality I was painfully aware of every step she took. I couldn't breathe correctly and had lost the topic of conversation somewhere within the space of her foot and the floor with each step. Expecting her to at best ignore me and talk to the person I was sitting with, and at worst yell at me for something I braced myself for impact. I was wrong on both accounts. She stunned me by what came out of her mouth "Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Can we talk sometime?" She continued to explain why she'd done what she had, and with that I knew that I had nothing to be upset about. We were toxic for each other last year, and I knew that. Now that she was in a better place, maybe we could try again. I didn't realize how badly I wanted that until I watched her walk away from me. All I'd wanted to do in that moment was hug her, but instead I let her walk away. I went back to my room and cried for an hour.

Reunited

Hello! I've decided to create a blog. This blog's purpose is to keep people updated on my life and for me to be able to remember what's been going on. Because of my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome I sometimes get "brain fog" and can't remember events and things as well as others. There's been a lot going on so far this year! So let's start at the beginning, or this summer! Let me start by saying that the beginning of this story is not happy, but it does get better!

It's been a tough year so far. I came out to my family this summer, and the reaction was not what I hoped for. In the following months I grew away from God. One of my best friends stopped talking to me, which made me even more upset at God and confused. I fell into a depression. For those of you who do not know, I've struggled with depression for several years. This summer I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, and stopped seeing my counselor, because of different issues, mainly monetary. I started self-harming more than ever this year, and ended up becoming addicted. I contemplated suicide several times this summer, I even went out and bought several bottles of sleeping pills. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I didn't want to create a mess for my family. I grew more and more depressed as time went on, even though I loved staying with my aunt and uncle and my two little cousins. I should have been happy; I had freedom and family that loved me, but I wasn't happy.

Jump to the school year. It started off fine. I was a little happier and I was rooming with a best friend of mine. She was great, and we hung out a lot. I laughed and smiled a lot, and pretended I was happy. I don't know if she believed the lie, but I know that a lot of my other friends did. Thinking back on it now, I was happier than I was during the summer, and I'd finally accepted who I was and was happy with who I was, but I felt empty. I continued to self harm, and it seemed like she didn't notice, so I thought I was safe, I thought I could keep doing it and it would go unnoticed. I was wrong. Lexi noticed and we talked about it. She told me that it hurt her that I hurt myself. I stopped cutting for about three weeks, and continued to pretend I was happy. Finally, one day I just snapped and I became so depressed I couldn't function. I was angry at God, I was angry at the friend that had abandoned me, I was angry at the world.


The next day I went to meet with a good friend of mine that I had kind of lost touch with over the summer. We talked about a lot of things, but unfortunately I can't really recall details. As I was sitting with this friend, the friend that had stopped talking to me walked up. I braced myself, expecting her to at best ignore me and talk to the friend I was sitting with, and at worst to yell at me for something, even though it was she that abandoned me. Instead she surprised me greatly and told me she missed me. She said she was at a better place in her life and she'd like to try again. I agreed that we should meet for coffee soon.

That night we met for coffee. We sat in the University Center Commons for a few hours just talking. For the first time in months I felt...happy. I was glad to have my friend back, and as we talked, I noticed a change in her. This was not the same Alyssa from last year. She was different, changed. She seemed happy and joyful and at peace from the world, a complete difference from where she was when we'd last seen each other. There was a light in her eyes and a smile on her face the whole time we were talking. It was infectious. I was so glad she was back and that she wanted to be friends again. I realized while I may have accepted who I am and I might be in a better place than last semester, I still hadn't come very far. When she talked about God and scripture and her youth ministry, I realized why. I'd moved away from God. It wasn't that I'd just been too busy, it's that I had literally walked away from him. I never opened my Bible and I never prayed unless it was to ask for something. I even found myself stopping myself when I tried to pray, telling myself that He wasn't there, and if He was He didn't care.

Talking to Alyssa brought a peace to me that I hadn't felt in a long time. She radiated happiness and peace, and it infected me. I found myself smiling and she commented that she could see it in my eyes, when last year my eyes always looked flat.

That night I went home and prayed. Alyssa and I talked about meeting for Bible study on Tuesday and I was excited. I prayed and read my Bible and was filled with peace. I talked to God for a couple hours, and though I didn't do any of my homework in that time, I felt like I was productive. I felt...alive. I felt more alive than I had in months and I felt energized and rejuvenated, even though I hadn't slept well in three days. Monday came and I texted Alyssa, telling her that I hope her day was going well. That night, after class, she texted me and invited me over. I didn't know what to expect, but that didn't matter as much as it normally would. I took my Bible and my homework like she requested, and when I got there, it was like we picked up right where we left off, except that we were both new people. We were both happy and at peace and back in the arms of God.

Tonight I went to Alyssa's again, so that makes two nights in a row that I've spent time with her at her apartment. We've read the Bible together both times, and talked a lot about bringing God back into the center of our lives and the center of our friendship. We both know that our friendship was not healthy last year, but now it is and will continue to be. Tonight I was so at peace and I felt more loved and happy than I have in a long time.

I've been reunited with my best friends and I couldn't feel any better than I do now.

God is good and so forgiving and works in wonderful ways!